Attention all caregivers!

Unless you have an “S” emblazoned on your chest and your preferred mode of travel involves a cape, you’re going to need help with caregiving. And yet, many of you out there are like, “I got this” when in fact, you don’t.

You’re stressed out, burned out and you’re not doing your loved one or yourself any good.

Looking back, I was horribly terribly awful at asking for help. It’s not that I didn’t. One time I did and Martin escaped. Another time I came home to a rearranged kitchen because my helper felt my kitchen needed reorganizing. 

My need for caregiving also came at a time when the opioid crisis was just getting started in New Hampshire and the stories of helpers helping themselves to everything that wasn’t nailed down were legendary. 

I’m now here to tell you: you gotta do it. You gotta ask. You DON’T want to be the woman in this 2016 photo aptly titled, “Help!”

What follows are some of the whys caregivers don’t ask and how you can ask and ask successfully:

• You don’t want to be a bother/imposition: Remember back in April 2018 when you took care of your neighbors’ cat, Smokey, while your nabes cruised the Caribbean for the entire month? The rum cake was a lovely thank you gift. Now you need them for a couple of hours. Bother, baby, bother, and toss in some imposition, too.

• You’re a control freak: I hear ya but seriously, you’re not relinquishing the nuclear codes.  You are asking someone to come over for an hour or 10 so you can get your COVID vaccine. 

• Don’t be afraid to ask. At worst, they’ll say no.

• Don’t be afraid to ask. At best, they’ll say yes and you’ll find a true friend.

• You have trust issues: As whys go, this one’s legit. After all, you are trusting someone with your most valuable asset: your loved one. Here, I’m a firm believer in “Let go, let God” plus recommendations, references and background checks. 

• Ask the right person: Not everyone is cut out for taking care of an adult even if only for a few hours. Think about best fits. 

• Trust your gut: If your large intestine is saying, “Charles Manson” and your small intestine is saying, “I’ll sure miss that Waterford crystal,” you might want to take a listen. Whatever you do, do NOT use this as an excuse to never ask for help. Someone in your circle of churchgoers, pinochle club or Zumba class will surely know someone your innards can agree on.  

• Play to your friends’ and family members’ strengths: OK, so they can’t fix a broken faucet, but didn’t they win the Best Chili at the local Chilifest? Ask if they can help by stocking your freezer with easy-to-prep meals.

• My house isn’t clean: Get over it. You’re busy caregiving so your home isn’t photo ready for an Architectural Digest spread. If your helpers don’t understand why you have dust bunnies the size of tumbleweeds, forgitaboutthem. See “Ask the right person.”

• Asking for help isn’t cheap: Again, valid. Professional caregivers want to be paid and should be paid. Nonpros might also want a little cash in return. If you can’t afford it, dig deep into your mental Rolodex and find folks you’ve done past favors for. Once upon a time you scratched their backs. This is the time to make your itch known. Ain’t that right, Smokey?

•  What if my loved one gets hurt while I’m gone? Valid question and I’m not going to sugarcoat it: it could happen. If caring for Martin taught me nothing else, it taught me that I can only control what I can control. Before leaving the house I made sure my caregivers were armed with the information they needed to properly see after him and I made sure the house was as dementia-proofed as I was able to make it.  

• No one will love and care for my loved one like I do. True, but remember, you’re not marrying them off. You’re simply going out for a while to meet friends for a walk in the woods—friends who will have you crying at the end of the walk because they have gone to their cars and have returned with bags filled with food, drink, paper towels, toilet paper, gas cards and gift cards to local restaurants.

Finally, I leave you with this: never forget how it felt when you needed help. Hold that feeling close to your heart for the next caregiver and be there to help. It can be in the form of time, money, a kind word or a frozen lasagna. Every little bit does help and will be remembered and cherished.